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The Journal of Provincial Thought

By Blenchley X. Wheatcroft


Barney Googles.  A daily + Sunday strip featuring an odd-looking gink who may or not be a hillbilly and who spends most of his time on his PC trying to cope with various recalcitrant search engines.  Rife with computer jargon and incomprehensible geek jokes but drawn with loving attention to detail.  Prized for frequent racy dialogue by Barney’s mule Plugged-In.

Dick Trace-Me.  Insane crime strip designed to be overdrawn by juveniles desperate to break into the cartooning game.  Daily + Sunday except when cartoonist Jester McFester is incarcerated in various mental hospitals for observation.  Famed for outrageous villains like Coal-Face, Type-Face or About-Face and for the level of ultra-violence rendered in the strip version of super slo-mo.

Tina Tinkler, Girl Worker.  Daily-only b & w strip featuring young and sexy gal at work as a temp in big offices, featuring peeks into her family life with a whole battalion of working-class retards she’s trying to escape, including little brother Dummy Dimly, who is notable for a severely pointed head and slurred speech.

Snorty Smitty, Ex-Ace.  Daily + Sunday strip depicting air shows, fancy airplanes and a gaggle of zany characters portraying ethnic stereotypes in painful detail (cf. Beeg Boracho, the Mexican airplane mechanic, or Chinky Chung, air controller).  A cheap rip-off of Smilin’ Jack, without the snappy slogans in the background.

Brenda Stark, Reporter Gal.  Daily b & w strip with ongoing story of gutsy young girl journalist in love with one-eyed, one-legged man in Arrow collar who is being chased by TV detectives.  Brenda has a lot of sniffling to do here, in between big scoops and banner headlines and the constant war against prejudice and discrimination in the male game of big-time reportage, cigar smoking and whisky-imbibing.

Joe Palooski, Rum-Dum.  Daily + Sunday strip about washed-up heavyweight boxer, always being scammed by manager Darby Dan, while falling hopelessly in love with Tess Truebody.  Famous for the line, “I cudda bin a pretender!” when Joe thought about claiming the long-vacant throne of Lower Poland.

Gagwood & Bleachy.  Daily, some Sundays.  Strip began as satire of flappers and young middle-class strivers, turned into cartoon version of “Daddy Is a Big Dolt,” with antics by children Bennie and Bunnie, dogs Arflet and Barflet and neighbor Snively Whipsneed, boss Mr. Smothers.

Steve Cannon, Dog-Faker.  Daily hyper-realistic Air Force strip about super-handsome pursuit-plane jockey and his squadron-mates between assignments to fly the Hump (or maybe hump the Fly?), become Fleeing Tiggers or join Central American banditos in dubious battle.  Features the Ginko Lady, small but curvaceous asian-type femme fatale.

Stoky Smover Daily strip featuring Lithuanian fire-fighter with disjointed speech and herky-jerky movements, often reduced to speech balloons with cyphers like “Foo!”  or “Notary Sojac!”  Prized by snobbish collectors and connoisseurs, who pretend to understand what it means.

Wallnutz.  Beloved daily + Sunday strip of talking animals and small children who learn lessons of patience, humility and steely resolve in the face of adversity, known best for failed hero Chortley Brown and girl-friend Lucinda de Sade, with wise dog Snotty interjecting Zen-like apothegms and muted barking.

The Furthest Side.  Goofy panel-cartoon, daily, about surreal situations and characters, prized by die-hard existentialists and students of Gurdjieff but often in dire need of a handy gloss.

Mary Worthless.  Sunday strip about an old bat with too many problems to sort, a gaggle of harpy-like relatives and a legion of bitter enemies.  What did this vicious harridan do to other people in her earlier life, anyhow?  That would have made a good strip!

Marked Traill.  Daily + Sunday.  Tedious ecological diatribe about a superannuated forest ranger with an Al Gore complex, featuring wild animals in all panels, drawn with obvious inaccuracy and inattention to basic anatomy.  Appeals to schoolchildren who are withdrawn loners.

The Fantom.  Sundays.  Strip about French exiled superhero on a desert island who wears tight leotards but does not seem to be gay, although with that mask you can’t really tell.  He is sullen and ominous and wears one of those trick rings you get by sending in cereal boxtops, but his has magic powers.

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